SEARS Declares First Profits In Years


SEARS Declares First Profits In Decades Due To Prices Finally Being Reasonable During Grand Closing Sale.

A newly released statement from the home office of SEARS Canada today is causing ripples of surprise in the financial markets. Reporting their first profit in many years, SEARS executives have determined the cause stems from lowered prices on their merchandise during the current close-out sale. Such lowered prices are bringing SEARS merchandise into the realm of affordability to all Canadian consumers.

“It’s not a bad deal now,” says Mary Glanchford of Ottawa, Ontario, outside her local SEARS store. “Before this big sale, I could never buy anything from SEARS, they were just too expensive! Twenty-nine ninety-five for a Nickleback T-shirt? Who are they kidding?!? But now with their crap half-off in price, I can actually afford to buy from them.”

The statement from the head office continues: “We here at SEARS sincerely thank all Canadians for their patronage over the decades. While we are experiencing a surprise profit in our final days, all of our branches will still close due to mismanagement and a CEO with the foresight and economic acumen of a lightning struck Alberta Pine tree stump. Honestly, who would have thought reasonable prices would have saved our asses?”

(The above article is parody)

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