“GLAMPING”…?

Photo by Scott Goodwill on Unsplash

I have just learned of “glamping”, or glamour camping. I am savagely annoyed at the concept. Glamping is wrong, wrong-er than Carrottop in a musical performance.

Does it really need to be said that the whole purpose of camping is to, well, rough it out in the woods? The reason we haul our fat city asses out of our houses and relinquish sweet amenities for the wonders of the forest is to get back in touch with nature, at least for a summer week-end or two. Bringing all your conveniences from home, to “glamour camp”, is not getting back to nature… it’s AIRING OUT YOUR LUXURIES!

Sorry, sorry, I won’t yell. I just get upset at the younger generation sometimes and their aberrant, almost perverted fads. Every year I understand more and hideously more why old people stand outside on their front lawns and yell at passing kids. I’m middle-aged now but believe you me, when I hit my sixties, I’m going to buy me a house with a big lawn beside a public school just so I can stand outside and scream my fool lungs out at you damn whippersnappers while waving a spatula.

Good lord, I just typed “whippersnappers”. I am getting old.

ANYWAYS. Back to “glamping”, Baby Jesus help all our souls. Listen to me: when you go camping, you ruin the experience of appreciating nature by surrounding yourself with a 16-person Persian-style silk tent, portable fireplace, inflatable hot tub, auto-cooking propane BBQ, floodlights, music laser system, squirrel defenestrater, Segways with all-terrain tires so you don’t have to walk, etc bloody ETC.

When I camp, I bring a tent, sleeping bag, water and food. I always remember to forget a flashlight. Because getting lost in the woods at night is very healthy: one or two or thirty-nine blasts of adrenaline to one’s straining heart while running and gibbering from terror in the monster-filled darkness among cranium-cracking obstacle trees is excellent cardio. It prepares you when things inevitably go all Blair Witch, another great experience you’ll probably miss by “glamour camping” and playing online games safe inside your fancy tent.

I hear some of these (ugh) “glampers” bring the most useless items with them. For example, cats. Why would you bring a cat camping? You ever try to get a cat out of a tree? You ever try to get a cat out of 2,317 trees? That’s what you’ll be doing when your cat freaks out at something in the woods, which it will, trust me. Cats jump seventeen feet in the air when the basement furnace turns on, you really think your feline is going to maintain a Prozac level of calm in a forest filled with wild, screaming animals? Nope.

JUST GO CAMPING AND ROUGH IT! We live in cities that have numbed our senses to the real world around us, and the most real world is out there is in the woods and wilds. Staying in a luxury cabin all weekend playing “World of Warcraft” and cramming Twinkies down your gaping throat while surrounded by the gorgeous beauty of the Great Outdoors is sad, wrong, and a horribly wasted opportunity to nourish your spirit from experiencing Nature.

Instead of spending your money on things that make camping easier, try bringing just what you need and leave the trappings of civilization behind you, even if just for a little while. Unplug from the machine and connect with the life around you in the forest. Stare up at the stars and remember your dreams. Life isn’t about glamour… it’s about helping yourself and others grow in joy and wisdom. And besides, if you do forget to bring enough food while in the woods, just sneak over to someone who’s glamour camping and steal their pot roast. Don’t worry, they’ll always have more.