Superheroes. We all love ‘em: Superman, Batman, Spider-man. But there’s one meta-human do-gooder many comic fans find laughable, or outright hate. Of course, we’re talking about Aquaman:
His first appearance was in More Fun Comics #73, November 1941. The creators were Paul Norris and Mort Weisinger, and… and…
Fuck time for a beer & get right back to this article edit out before posting.
After More Fun Comics was turned into a pure humor comic, Aquaman was moved over to Adventure Comics for a long run, mainly as filler story to the comic’s star, Superboy. Originally Aquaman’s powers were much like they are today: underwater breathing, super strength, super-fast swimming, and the ability to communicate with marine life. At first, Aquaman… Aquamannnn… AquaFUCK … dammit I can’t think of any more ways to pad this article edit out.
DAMN it to FUCK. Why did I pick such a crappy superhero like Aquaman? This article will never get accepted… shit, I need to be more fucked-up to handle writing about DC’s lamest superhero. All my good drugs are gone, though… I know! Hah, I got a bottle or two of Robitussin Extra Strength in the bathroom medical cabinet, that shit’s got DXM or something in it. Mix that with more beer, that should get me twisted at least enough to finish this FUCKING ARTICLE edit out.
Ahhh better… cherry and hops taste the shit though edit out.
At first, Aquaman … Oh God, don’t even get me started about that goddamn aquatic lame-ass “superhero” all the fishies call Aquaman. Here’s my goddamn version of a certain cartoon I watched in the 80’s:
Aquaman can’t fucking FLY ← edit out.
NARRATOR: MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE HALL OF JUSTICE, THE SUPERFRIENDS ARE HAVING A MEETING:
AQUAMAN: Even though I can (gasp) only stay out of water for an hour (gAsP) or I’ll DIE, I still want to help fight crime on land (GASP). Uh… oohh… getting light-headed… need… water… wat…
SUPERMAN: Gee, Aquaman, are you okay?
BATMAN: Here, maybe my batarang will help.
END ACT ONE
Yes, Aquaman is always a great help to the Justice League whenever they haul him around in a kiddy pool. Seriously though, what the hell were the DC people thinking when they came up with Aquaman?!? FUCK I HATE EVEN TYPING THE WORD ‘AQUAMAN’ I LOATHE HIM SO MONSTROUSLY.
Even compared to Batman, who has NO powers except being a deranged psychotic with enough countless billions to provide him with weird gadgets and underage male companions dressed up in Renaissance corsets and fishnet stockings, yes, even compared to Batman, our under-the-sea idiot Aquaman comes up short.
INTERNET YOU KNOW I’M RIGHT!!! ? Goddmn this Robitussinnn cough syrup is coming on strong, anyways. Anyways. Ahahahaha. Let’s look at Aqua-jerkoff’s powers so yet again I may prove how FYCJKING WISE I AM TO YOU INTERENT PEOPLE:
1) Aquaman Can Breath Water: WELL WHOOP-DE-DOO! EVERY Superhero can breathe underwater when you think about it! Superman, hell, he could imbibe the fumes from Abe Vigoda’s dying colon and not be affected… water aint gonna bug that Kryptononian…tonian bastard much. Batman has a “Bat Re-Breather” or something stupid he jams in his mouth (besides Robin’s COCK) that lets him survive the deep end of the kiddie pool. Wonder Woman just has to fly her invisible plane underwater, you get what I mean. I dunno.
2) Aquaman Can Summon Fish: Wellll that’s just wonderful and soooo helpful. You’re a scuba diver being attacked by sharks or some shit and the only help you got is the marine equivalent of Squirrel Girl dog-paddling onto the scene. “I KNOW!” Aquaman says. “I’ll SUMMON A CLOUD OF COD TO ATTACK THIS SHARK!”
“THANKS FOR THE DELICIOUS COD, AQUAMAN! NOM NOM NOM!” sayeth the Shark.
Oh look a fucking cod.
“Wait!!!!” you reply in erroneous defense; “Aquaman could telepathically command the shark to not eat the scuba diver!” WRONG. Do you really THINK a hungry shark is going to listen to a dumb blond-haired human goof telling him to NOT-EAT? THAT’S ALL SHARKS DO… IS EAT! AND EAT! AND EAT! Look I’ve seen Jaws 1, 2, AND 3-D so I know my sharks yu fuckers. They’re like horizontal teethy hollow columns of death.
C) tequila goes well with cherry flvoring hehehehehee goddamnit need MORE BEER CONAN THE DESTRUYER NEED BEERS AND ‘TUSSIN. I AM LORRD CONAN I KNEOW THE RIDLE OF STEEEEEEEEL EIID it out.
4) Aqauamanan cann swimm really fast riiight? Well so can Superman and batman on his batboat with robin again hehehehe an so can, I dunno, the Wunder-Twins when one of ‘em forms an iceberg and the other forms a farting whale fuck WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME
55. Hes really strong OH WOW!!!!!!!1111111 But only in water I think. Aquaman is like Brawney Paper Towel hehehehe really strong in water ahahaasdnmasxs
Gezzuz I gunna wrap this article up the Robitusssssin realy jumped on me… I’m druk an trired and so drunk evn spellchecker is pissed off with me and Bill gates cant help me now. What was I going to ah yeah WHO THINKS UP A SUPERHEO THAT DIES AFTER ABOUT AN HOUR OF BEIN OUT OF WATEER?!? Its like EVERTYHING DRY IS KRYPTONITE to aquaman after sixty minutes is up and I don’t mean the show with Mike Wallace hey the spllchecker knew to capmitalize Mike Wallace.’
Mike Wallace, not out of his mind on beer and Robitussin (probably).
(Editor’s Note: SlackerDan was found by paramedics unconscious at his desk surrounded by three empty bottles of cough syrup, eleven and a half empty bottles of Rickard’s Red Ale, and a plastic jug half-full of window-washing fluid. His regular column, printed irregularly, will be ready once his kidneys are flushed or possibly replaced at the hospital. Thank you for your patience.)