A Brutally Honest Cookbook For Bachelors

Face it: you’re a bachelor and have no idea how to cook food for yourself. Having grown accustomed to your parental units making three square meals a day for you, developing culinary skills ranked low on your skills of things to learn. Besides, you’ve had more important stuff to do with your time, like smoking huge amounts of cannabis while listening to Skrillex.

Buying a cookbook or two may help, but such literature assumes you already possess some basic skills in the kitchen. Well, here are some recipes geared towards the completely clueless-about-cooking single guy!


Hot Dogs


  • Remove two or more hot dog wieners from package. Don’t eat them yet.
  • Put wieners in microwave on “High” setting. Always used the “High” setting when using a microwave or stove, as that will cook your food faster.
  • Watch the wieners cook until the ends begin to shrivel up. They will have the consistency of a suitcase handle but it assures the food has been thoroughly cooked.
  • Take hot dog wieners out of microwave with your bare hands, causing you to drop them on the kitchen counter while shouting obscenities due to the fact said wieners are about 4,000 degrees Celsius.
  • Wrap each wiener in the piece of bread, as you always forget to buy hot dog buns.
  • Slather hog dog with condiments like mustard, ketchup, and Cheetos.
  • Eat.


Macaroni & Cheese


  • Fill a small pot to the very top with water.
  • Set stove element temperature to “High”
  • Put pot on stove, wait until it boils.
  • Get bored watching pot not boiling.
  • Go watch some TV – “West World” is on tonight.
  • Forget about pot of water until it boils over, creating huge scalding sounds as the water splashes everything in a nine foot radius.
  • Panic.
  • Take boiling pot of water off stove top.
  • Scald your hand and shout obscenities.
  • Open macaroni box.
  • Dump macaroni in boiling pot of water, remove cheese flavouring package after it falls into water.
  • Wait until the macaroni pasta is softened by the boiling water. Check every two minutes by nibbling a single macaroni piece off a spoon.
  • Take macaroni off stove top and put in a strainer to remove water.
  • Splash yet more boiling hot water on your hands, legs, and crotch while straining pasta.
  • Put macaroni back into pot.
  • Take margarine out of fridge.
  • Scrape off the toast and other food particles off the margarine.
  • Add cheese flavouring, a bit of milk (which you probably don’t have), and a tablespoon or two of margarine.
  • Mix ingredients together.
  • Eat pasta out of pot while surfing the Internet, spreading sticky macaroni pieces on your keyboard.

Coq Au Vin with Brandy-Soaked Chanterelle Mushrooms & Seared Pate de Fois Gras.


You… you’re kidding, right?

Next week: Attempting to cook an omelet that invariably turns into scrambled eggs instead.


(All images in public domain: 123)

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